“I’ve fed the phantom of jealousy, but now I cast my jealousy away.” – after books in my art, let’s talk reading

One of my better headlines? Well, it is not even a line by me. As I said in my last post that I tried to keep all about the subject of my latest art project, I’ve read a lot in the last five weeks that I spent inMichigan. Among the books I read was the complete Vampire Diaries series – all the books that are currently available and on which the TV show was originally based.

While some of the main characters appear in the show as well as in the two separate parts of the book series, character traits, looks, as well as background stories and the worlds these characters live in are diverse. And as far as the book series goes, I liked both, but I liked Stefan’s Diaries better than the original storyline, because as far as fantasy goes these stories are worldlier. I cherish fantasy that is just a spark in reality, making it appear that the unbelievable could happen.

Anyway, the headline is taken from the so far last book of the original storyline The Hunters: Phantom. Said phantom is a jealousy monster the group of friends has to fight off. The spell to cast it out requires each member of the group to admit to his/her jealousies and grudges in front of the others.

I am no heroine. I am not even the personal brand of heroin for somebody. But reading about Elena, Stefan, Damon, Bonnie, Matt, Alaric and Meredith standing there and working through their lists, it got me thinking about what I would say.

I know that from the outside I have many things or seem to have many things others envy me for. Not monetary wealth. Intelligence and the incredible abilities to remember most of what I read or hear and to connect the information. Being loved and supported from my family no matter what. The courage to just go somewhere though I’m trembling inside of fear, but my curiosity prevails. What I’ve seen of history in the making and of the world. The people I call family though my family is far away. The mind set of a five year old, looks so that I still better carry an ID when I want a drink in the US (yep, it happened again twice on this trip in bars) and a brain beyond my age. Last but not least and maybe the most obvious reason – my awesome talent in art that even brought me some attention inHollywood. I am not sure if Hart Hanson and Dean Lopata still follow me, but having them do so and tweet unprompted about my work in nice words made my year in 2011, at least partly.

I know I should be humble. And yet, I nourish my envies.

I envy those, who can just turn off their brains, forget and live.

I envy those, who can read others at least a tiny bit and can express feelings.

I envy easygoing, happy-go-lucky.

I am jealous of those in relationships and love.

But most of all, I am jealous of those who talk and are listened to, who are recognized and lifted out of the shadow. This feeling is especially strong when I don’t know, why this happens to that kind of person *cough* Kardashians *cough*.

Yes, overall I think I hold a grudge because I am special, but not the way I want to be or dream to be. I admit to it. I admit that I have scolded many times in many ways whoever or whatever is responsible for this constellation. And I admit that I don’t think I am able to cast these jealousies away completely. I think of it as my vampirism that stains your conscience, but also gives more strength to one than one thought one possessed if focused.

Yes, good books, good TV show – entertaining, captivating and as shown they made me think. If I could just turn off my brain now…

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