I don’t need constant background noises, company or entertainment. I am pretty self-sufficient and content within my head. And still I feel something missing, like I am lacking.
It was Plato in his Symposium, who wrote about Zeus and the other gods fearing the power of the humans, who were then still double creatures in all possible combinations, cartwheeling their way through life. Zeus would have killed them all had he not liked their attention, their offerings and devotion. So, he used his lightning bolts to split them in half. And after Apollo straightened the heads and sewed the halves up leaving the naval so mankind would always remember the event, the halves ever since run around trying to find their matching part.
Now, I am a firm believer in evolution, but there is something about being whole by yourself yet missing another person to be complete that seems true. I am lonely. The longer this condition continues, the more this ugly feeling creeps in every cell of my body and taints my mind, trying to dwarf anything else in comparison.
And that when – well, I feel like this one girl in the Buffy episode – invisible. For example: just a few days ago I traveled to Monaco for the TV Festival. We had occasion to really dress up, like high heels and glamour.
And while I don’t run around in rags on a usual base, I made even more of an effort, and not just for the gala. For a week I walked all over the place, stopping to sit down and sketch or read sometimes for hours. If I hadn’t nearly pushed a jogger into the port basin – it was an accident, I swear -, I wouldn’t have had a single human encounter outside the group of friends I traveled with.
OK, so Monaco might have been a bit out of my league as the selection of well-groomed, long legged, model type beauty queens is infinite there or so it appears. But it’s not just Monaco. For the 37 years I am on this planet now, I lived, travelled and searched at numerous places and also tried the internet, with much the same success. I start to feel like something is wrong with me – I mean beyond the obvious crazy.
Well, I guess the bottom line is: I am lonely. I am not as strong as I might look. To hell with Zeus, I want my other half. Where the heck are you? And please, don’t let it be Narnia.